


Viktor Nikiforov Gets Hitched, or, The Best Man's Catalogue of Besotted Bullshit

by Unuora



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: And Viktor being perilously dumb, Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Phichit Chulanont helps, That's all this is marriage and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 14:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11670933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unuora/pseuds/Unuora
Summary: Viktor Nikiforovcannot miss his opportunity to propose to the most beautiful man in the world. The wholeworldhas to know that they’re getting married, and he wants tosurpriseYuuri. So goddamn it, they’re getting engagedagain.“That’s not how this works,” Phichit says when Viktor tells him his plan.“I don’t care,” Viktor whines rather more pathetically than a national icon should, “Phichit, I love him.”In which Viktor makes a list, Phichit makes helpful commentary, Chris brings (another) pole and Yuuri easily diverts all of it.





	Viktor Nikiforov Gets Hitched, or, The Best Man's Catalogue of Besotted Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a tumblr post about, ha ha, viktor wanted the proposal to be all romantic and yuuri called it a 'good luck charm', boohoo. i mostly wanted to write phichit encouraging viktor to be a nuisance. but then i wrote too much.
> 
> i have like, six other, better, fics with actual plot in the works and this bullshit is what i finish. stupid.
> 
> (if you catch the reference in the title, _i will offer my hand in marriage_ and then see myself out in a burst of fiery shame.)

There are several ways that Viktor could try to propose to Yuuri.

No, wait, everyone’s already thinking _but they’re already engaged_ and yes, that is totally correct. But _Viktor Nikiforov_ cannot miss his opportunity to propose to the most beautiful man in the world. The whole _world_ has to know that they’re getting married, and he wants to _surprise_ Yuuri. So goddamn it, they’re getting engaged _again_.

(“That’s not how this works,” Phichit says when Viktor tells him his plan.

“I don’t care,” Viktor whines rather more pathetically than a national icon should, “Phichit, I _love_ him.”

Phichit has a brief image of drunken Yuuri saying the same thing, in the same whiny tone of voice, years ago in their college dorm. They’re perfect for each other. Phichit wonders what took so long.

“Okay, I’ll help you,” Phichit says, resisting the amused eye roll that tries to come to fruition when Viktor lights up like a Christmas tree. “But listen to me, Nikiforov. Famous or not, if you propose on the train or like, call in planes to write a proposal in the sky, I guarantee Yuuri will say yes just to divorce you.”

Viktor wilts. “Phichit,” he whines again, knowing full well that Phichit is another person that sympathizes with his need to show off Yuuri to everyone in the whole world. Viktor is so glad that he understands his need to brag about how _fucking incredible_ his fiancé is. And _yet…!_

“No,” Phichit says, losing the battle to fight off a grin, “I know. It is a crime to keep Yuuri to ourselves. But he makes us suffer this weight, and he _will_ be so unpleasantly upset if you put him on the spot unexpectedly.”

Viktor frowns but crosses off _on live television!!!_ and _flash mob?_ and… well, yes, several other things, too.)

**Viktor ~~Nikiforov-Katsuki~~ Katsuki-Nikiforov’s Mission To Marry Yuuri 2.0; A List of Proposal Ideas:**

          1) After an exhibition skate.

Would Stammi Vincino be the last time they skate together? No, that’s ridiculous. Once they’re both competing together again, they both have exhibition skates and they try their hardest to mix them together. Sometimes it’s Yurio-and-Otabek-Welcome-To-The-Madness style involvement, or sometimes it’s more like straight up pair skating. Often times it will start as Viktor’s exhibition skate, Yuuri will make an entrance sometime in the middle, and it will end with just Yuuri.

Still, it wouldn’t be too hard for Viktor to convince Yuuri to have a joint exhibition skate. (After all, they both love to skate off stage hand in hand. It’s an invigorating feeling.) And, it would be just as easy for Viktor to tuck a necklace with the engagement ring on it into the collar of his costume. Even if it slipped out it would just look like some extra bling to his costume.

Viktor would have it all planned out. He’d break away from the ending pose last second, pulling the necklace off and kneeling in front of Yuuri. The bright, flashing lights would be blinding and dazzling, and Yuuri would already be flushed and smiling from their skate. The crowd would gasp once they realized what was happening, the growing murmur of noise becoming background noise with the thrum of adrenalin and exertion. Viktor could kneel before Yuuri and offer his heart in front of millions, but he’d have him all to himself as well.

(And, Viktor made sure to point this out to Phichit, when Yuuri’s skating is one of the few times he’s okay with all the attention being on him. If Viktor proposed this way it’d minimize Yuuri’s embarrassment and maximize the publicity. Viktor has already tested this theory. Accidentally.

Phichit tells him this one has negative points for lack of originality.)

          2) After the best day ever.

Okay, okay, yes, Viktor Nikiforov is a man that tragically lacks subtly. But the thing is that subtly is very important to Yuuri. He’s always the one to know when someone is lying, or to know which mug is Viktor’s favorite without having to ask. Sometimes Viktor feels like Yuuri can read his mind, because it’s more often than not that Yuuri knows Viktor is upset about something before Viktor even does.

Picture frames in the foyer. “be back soon” notes left on Viktor’s pillow. Dozens and dozens of dog toys, and colorful blankets over the back of the couch and two kinds of coffee creamer in the fridge and _favorite mugs_. It’s Yuuri who made Viktor’s house feel lived in, with single socks on the floor and a phone speaker in the kitchen and a silly framed paper with the paint prints of Yuuri, Viktor, Makkachin and Yurio on it.

(When Yuuri first moved to Viktor’s apartment in St. Petersburg, the first thing he said was, “it’s empty.” He stopped in the doorway, dressed in his mittens and hat, and just… stared for a while.

“Yes,” Viktor said, feeling like he was noticing it for the first time as well. It did look empty. It felt bleak and hopeless compared to Hasetsu, which was bustling and cluttered and always changing. Viktor had always felt stagnant; he supposed it bled into his home too.

Yuuri added to it slowly, in the form of little knickknacks and his untied shoes in the doorway, and sweatshirts over the kitchen chairs.

It was not a week later that Yuuri had a big sheet of paper and several little bottles of finger paint. Shyly, he had told Viktor that his family had done one with Vicchan. Viktor and Yuuri had their handprints next to each other, Makkachin’s paw print in the space between their thumbs. Yuuri had gotten Yurio to do it through force of bribery. Viktor wondered if he could get Yakov to do it too or if he’d just laugh at him.

Viktor hung it in the kitchen. It’s his favorite thing he owns.)

Yuuri taught Viktor subtly. Maybe the best way to propose is a quiet night in the ways that Yuuri loves best. Hot chocolate. Lots of blankets. A cuddle pile with Makkachin on the couch and some Netflix show on in the background. He could try every little trick he’s learned to make Yuuri smile all at once, from the neck massage to gratuitous flirting to his bad jokes.

Maybe he could just slip the ring on his finger and kiss him breathless. That way he could have him all to himself.

(Phichit tells him it would be difficult to get the other ring off Yuuri’s hand to do this. Yuuri would fight literally anyone for that ring. Viktor concedes this, but it’s not about the ring. It’s about the _delivery_.

Viktor decides he wants to plan a day to spoil Yuuri anyway, though. He deserves it.)

          3) With Makkachin.

If he’s thinking of Yuuri’s favorite things, Makkachin is pretty high on the list. He is both Yuuri and Viktor’s favorite thing ever. They love him dearly, and he is at the epicenter of their daily lives. And, so, it’s only natural that Viktor has several ideas that could involve him.

Viktor could always go for the cliché and tie the ring around Makkachin’s neck and wait for Yuuri to find it. Maybe he could wait until the inevitable time where they have competitions and obligations apart. Unfortunately the reality of being world class skaters is that being stationary is not possible, and since Viktor started skating again there have been several times where Yuuri and Viktor were hundreds of miles apart. For _days_.

They agree wholeheartedly that it’s the worst thing ever. They spend a great deal of time sighing wistfully into phone calls and texting when they’re not supposed to be.

(“ _Yuuri_!” Mari called for, what, the sixth time. “ _Please_ come help, your mother’s not feeling well and we’d really like to get cleaned up at a reasonable time.”

“Alright,” Yuuri said slowly, standing up slowly, still texting, only to walk… very… slowly… “Sorry, sorry, I’m texting—“

“Viktor. I know. We know. Everyone knows.” Mari sighed, watching as her brother tries to pull himself away from his phone only for it to buzz again. His face lit up with a small smile he tried to hide, but Mari knew that smile. She also knew he’d been sulking for the past four days that Viktor’s been away. With a moment of incredible hesitation, Yuuri locked his phone and put it on the table before turning away to walk where Mari’s waiting at the doorway. It’s all done with such painful concentration Mari felt like she was torturing him somehow. She sighed again, feeling pity and love and annoyance in equal amounts.

“Can you call him?” Mari asked, watching as Yuuri’s eyes flick to his phone that lit up with another text message.

“What?” Mari’s brother is a fucking mess. She wanted to punch him, but since Yuuri is now strong enough to lift _Viktor fucking Nikiforov_ she’s fairly sure that he’ll win that fight. Mari’s not weak by any means, but Yuuri’s an Olympic athlete, and he’s _also_ a lovestruck idiot.

“Call Viktor. You can take to cleaning up the kitchen, “ Mari sighed inwardly. The kitchen is one of the easier jobs. It’s what she was going to do today, but… Love prevails, she guessed. “Put Viktor on speakerphone.” At Yuuri’s face Mari has to choke back a laugh. “No, we don’t mind. We won’t listen in on purpose.” Yuuri still looked conflicted so she continued. “ _No, Yuuri, we really don’t mind_.”

“Okay,” Yuuri said quietly, “Thank you, Mari.” He picked his phone back up to text Viktor again, looking a bit relieved. Mari couldn’t help but tease him a little bit further, though.

“Just make sure to keep your boy toy under control. There are guests in the lobby,” and with that Mari turns to walk back down the hall, just barely managing to stifle her laughter at Yuuri’s spluttering.)

Viktor liked the idea of Yuuri’s surprise once he figured it out. Viktor would tie the ring around Makkachin’s collar and have Yuuri stalled long enough that he wouldn’t get a good look at Makkachin. Maybe he could employ the triplets. They’re good at things like that. Hopefully it would be enough time for Viktor’s plane to land so that he could call Yuuri for the big reveal.

If Viktor was away for a competition he’d never expect it, though it has the drawback of meaning Viktor couldn’t _see_ Yuuri and he couldn’t _be with_ Yuuri. And the excitement would make the wait to come home both less and more agonizing at the same time.

And, well… Maybe, _maybe_ Viktor would also be a little jealous of Makkachin. He would get all the attention that way.

No matter! Viktor’s alternate plan would be to tie the ring and a note to Makkachin’s collar before filling his pockets with treats. When Makkachin tackled him in kisses it would be up to Yuuri to save him from the onslaught.

“My hero!” He’d cry, most definitely at death’s door after the monster Makkachin had nearly suffocated him.

With Makkachin’s attention successfully diverted to Yuuri, he’d notice the note and ring and ask what it is.

“You saved me from the monster,” Viktor would say, “Only the greatest heroes can have my hand in marriage. Will you marry me?”

(“That’s stupid,” Phichit says. He’s laughing.

“Thank you,” Viktor says very seriously.

“He’d love it,” Phichit says.

“I know.”)

          4) The bridge in Hasetsu

Well, Viktor doesn’t really have a plan for this one, per se. But, if Viktor wanted to be subtle and sentimental he thinks that the most romantic place he could choose would be the bridge. It’s where his life changed forever.

(He was standing on the bridge when Mari Katsuki saw him for the first time. He knows because he had been distracted by the view. He always loved looking at the seagulls there. And, well, he’d been… a bit lost, wandering around looking for the onsen when Mari had approached him.

“Viktor Nikiforov?” She had asked a cigarette in one hand. Instantly Viktor felt like he should be a little intimated by her. She had an aura about her that felt like unquestionable authority and a hidden propensity for murder. She was looking at him with an expression stuck somewhere between bewilderment and the staunch rejection that this was really happening. It made her look like she was a little disgusted by him, but Viktor was never one to let weird looks stop him.

“Hello!” He had said, in Japanese that was unquestionably terrible. “Can you show me where Yu-Topia is?” Viktor asked, or at least tried to. Mari looked like she was trying hard to not laugh. She artfully raised an eyebrow.

“Why?” She asked this in English, mercifully, because she was more interested in answers rather than watching Russian national hero Viktor Nikiforov flounder around like an idiot.

“I’m looking for Yuuri Katsuki,” Viktor chirped, all megawatt smile. “I’m going to be his coach!” Mari’s mouth opened like she was going to say something, but closed it before she could figure out what. Oh, she knew her brother well enough to know there was something more to this. She wasn’t sure what he did quite yet, but this…

She _could_ lie and turn him away, or she _could_ laugh herself sick, or… In the end she just turns around. “This way,” she says, taking another breath from her cigarette. “I’m Mari Katsuki, by the way.” She exhaled the smoke in a long breath, giving him a quick glance before walking. “Welcome to Hasetsu.”

Oh, Viktor was terrified of Mari, but it didn’t matter. This was all _so exciting_. It was the beginning of a new chapter of his life.

And, oh, if only Viktor had known what he was in for.)

Viktor would love to remember proposing to Yuuri with the background of the sea, with the caws of seagulls in his ears. He loves Hasetsu because it’s unequivocally beautiful, and he’ll carry those early morning jogs and late night walks close to his heart for the rest of his life.

It was easy to see every pivotal point of their relationship spinning around Hasetsu. After all, it’s where they began, and where they grew together, and most of all; it’s where Viktor fell in love.

(“It’s more important to me than it is to him, though,” Viktor laments to Phichit, who hums in reply. “To me Hasetsu is where everything began! But for him, it’s his childhood home, which is special but not in the way I want...”

“Yes,” Phichit says, “But it’s still important.”

“I want to show Yuuri that I love him,” Viktor sighs, looking up at Phichit beseechingly. It’s only because Phichit is a good man and that he is more tolerant than most that he doesn’t roll his eyes at Viktor’s antics. Phichit pats Viktor’s head.

“Viktor, I know you won’t believe me, but _Yuuri knows_.”)

          5) ~~More animals~~

(“Oh my god, Viktor,” Phichit groans, “If your goal is to make an impactful evening between the two of you, the _worst_ idea is to bring an animal.”

“But—“

“He’d never look at you twice the whole night.”

“But,” Viktor starts again, “What if there was a trained dolphin, and it—“

Phichit barks out a laugh, scrunching up his face for a moment. “Oh god,” he says, “Can you _imagine?”_

“Well—“

Phichit puts on his best Yuuri impression, which is startlingly accurate. “ _Oh my god, Viktor, what if he_ dropped _it?”_ Phichit takes a breath while Viktor tries to stifle his laughter. “ _I can’t believe this, why would you even, but oh my god, look at it, look at its face, Viktor, do you think I can pet him?”_ Phichit’s drops the imitation and turns to Viktor in a deadpan, “And then he’d ignore you for the rest of the night.”

Viktor presses his fingertips to his mouth, trying to stop from laughing too hard. He’s mostly unsuccessful. “It’s like he was here with us in the flesh,” Viktor manages. He has to bite his lip to stop from laughing at the next thought. “Except, no, you’re not quite right. The only thing he’d say to me for the rest of the night is to ask how much it cost.”

Phichit gasps, “You’re totally right. This is a serious oversight.” He nods seriously. “In fact, bringing animals would be the double worst-est because he’d be too busy fluctuating between pampering the pet and scolding you to be properly wooed.”

Viktor nods back sagely. “Yes, I’m glad we’ve come to this agreement.”

He crosses out idea #5.)

          6) A proposal carved in the ice at—oh, wait.

No, no, that won’t work.

(Viktor knows this won’t work, tragically, because he’s tried something like this before.

In his defense, he thought it was a romantic gesture! It was Valentine’s day and Viktor had carved a looping heart in the fresh ice, and there were rose petals and—

“What did you do to the ice?” Yuuri had said when he walked into the rink, ignoring how Viktor was posed delicately, entirely prepared to be attacked with Yuuri’s love.

“It’s… a heart, dear,” Viktor said, not letting Yuuri’s lack of enthusiasm get him down. “Happy Valentine’s day, solnyshko!” Surely, he’s just tired! Yuuri isn’t a morning person. Viktor should’ve brought an extra cup of coffee.

“The ice is ruined,” Yuuri says forlornly, staring at the marks in the ice like they had personally insulted him. “Skating on fresh ice is the only good part of the morning.”

Still, to this day, Viktor wants to cry when he thinks of that moment. Luckily, he could convince Yuuri to take a break on his diet and Viktor fed Yuuri little overly expensive chocolates he bought once they got home. It was an opportunity given in part because Yurio had pretended to throw up for long enough that Yakov just sent them home. Mila lent them her collection of romcoms. Viktor still owes her something large and expensive for that.)

Viktor chooses wisely to not mention this plan, or this previous tragedy, to Phichit and just crosses out #6 without saying anything.

          7)

“Phichit, I’m out of ideas.”

“Nonsense,” he says, without looking up from his phone. “You have neglected the very best one!” He thrusts his phone into Viktor’s face so fast that Viktor was half convinced he was about to lose his nose. After his eyes focused enough to register, he realized the screen had a picture of Yuuri pole dancing. He had that stupid tie on his head. Viktor has the same picture set as his home screen.

“We’re going to make Yuuri dance?”

“No, stupid,” Phichit berates over the edge of his phone. He throws himself out of his seat with enough force to disrupt the very atmosphere, pointing at Viktor with flourish. “ _You_ are.”

“Oh,” Viktor says. The gears turn. “Oh my god.”

“I know,” Phichit squeaks.

“I need to call Chris,” Viktor says, already pulling out his phone. Phichit stops him with a wide grin and a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Way ahead of you,” Phichit says, “He’s was planning on visiting St. Petersburg anyway, but he moved up the date for this important event.”

(It takes an hour for Viktor to figure out how difficult this will be.

“You’re a professional dancer,” Chris chides, “So _dance_.”

“Mmgh,” Viktor whines, slumped against the ground. They’ve been at this for… an hour. Which, okay, not that long, but he forgot he _had_ some of those muscles.

“You’ve broken world records. You can do a quad flip in competition, successfully, and without fail,“ Phichit says, hauling Viktor to his feet. “Don’t tell me you’re tired.” Viktor feels like this method of encouragement has been used on Yuuri before.

“I’m tired,” Viktor says. This method does not work on him.)

**Viktor Katsuki-Nikiforov’s Banquet 2.0, aka; Seduce Yuuri Katsuki**

Yuuri walks in on what, at first, appears to be mass chaos.

Viktor had organized some sort of party in Hasetsu during the off season, citing that he wanted to get everyone together. And, that meant that nearly everyone Yuuri has ever been friendly with was standing in the only building in Hasetsu that was close to a banquet hall.

It _started_ innocent enough. And then the rest of the Katsuki’s had left and Nishigori had dropped off the triplets with a babysitter, and the champagne had been replaced with vodka. There was music. It looked like Otabek was the DJ.

But, no, the important detail was that there was a pole in the front of the room. Everyone seemed to look at Yuuri at once, or maybe that was his imagination.

“Yuuri!” Phichit came from somewhere behind him, sounding a bit drunk already. He was a happy drunk. He’s a bad influence when drunk. Phichit points somewhere in the general vicinity of the pole. “Look what we did!” It appears this time was no exception.

Viktor fucking Nikiforov, Yuuri’s beloved fiancé and overwhelming idiot, is walking up to the pole in shorts and an unbuttoned shirt. He’s wearing a tie on his head. Yuuri can’t figure out if he wants to feel fond or supremely embarrassed. Everyone in the room starts cheering loudly, and Viktor tosses his shirt at Yuuri’s feet before climbing on the pole.

Oh, no. No.

Before Viktor has a chance to do anything Yuuri’s marching up to him, and hauling him down to eye level. Yuuri’s got both his hands against the back of Viktor’s neck, bringing their faces bare centimeters apart before Viktor has a second to respond. Viktor lets out a surprised gasp, leaning forward and gripping the pole with his thighs to prevent himself from losing balance. Yuuri takes an inordinate amount of pleasure out of the way Viktor bites his lip in anticipation. Yuuri hears Phichit wolf whistle.

 “You’re hogging all the attention, Vitya,” Yuuri says, grinning, predatory, “We can’t have that, can we?” And then Yuuri presses his mouth against Viktor’s, with bruising force. It’s only a moment but by the time they part Viktor’s thighs are trembling from the effort of keeping himself suspended. If he really focused, he would hear everyone in the room yelling everything from encouragements to insults, the ladder thanks to Yurio. But his attention is only on Yuuri.

“Marry me,” Viktor blurts, their faces still bare inches apart. Yuuri laughs bright and sharp, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

“Silly,” Yuuri says, unbuttoning his own shirt and throwing it behind him carelessly. Phichit dives for it like it’s the bouquet at a wedding. “Yes. The answer will always be yes.”

With that, Yuuri’s climbing on to the pole too, and…

Well, Viktor can’t remember much after that.

He’s almost positive Phichit has video, though.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, lovelies! 
> 
> this is easily the stupidest thing i've written in years. sorry, not sorry.
> 
> my incredibly perfect friends are at least... 30% at fault of this. i suppose i have to give them credit because they put up with all my shit and encourage my weak soul to continue writing. love you guys. < 3


End file.
